Bill was taking a flight to Las Vegas. He boards the
plane, finds his seat and settles in, but does not
fasten his seatbelt. The flight attendant comes down
the aisle and see Bill's unfastened seatbelt and says,
"Sir, you need to fasten your seatbelt for takeoff."

Macho Bill says, "Not necessary to do that, Superman
doesn't need a seatbelt."

"Superman," the flight attendant said, "doesn't need
an airplane either."

LOL :p

Got this joke from Marion
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The Card Cheat

Jones jumped up from the card table white with rage. "Stop this game," he shouted, "Smith is cheating!"
"How do you know?" said one of the other players.
He's not playing the hand I dealt him!" shouted Jones.

A duck walked into the bar and asked the bartender if he had any grapes. The bartender said no so the duck left. The next night, the duck walked into the bar and asked the bartender if he had any grapes, the bartender said no so the duck left. The next night the duck walked into the bar and asked the bartender if he had any grapes. The bartender replied no and if the duck walked in anymore and asked for grapes, he would nail his feet to the bar. The next night the duck walked into the bar and asked the bartender if he had any nails. The bartender replied no. The duck said in that case do you have any grapes.

Keep up the good work, guys ...it's nice to start my day with a laugh.

How To Wash A Kitty

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both the seat and lid lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him toward the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the seat and lid. (You may need to stand on the lid so he cannot escape.) CAUTION: DO NOT GET ANY PART OF YOUR BODY TOO CLOSE TO THE EDGE, AS HIS PAWS WILL BE REACHING OUT FOR ANY SURFACE THEY CAN FIND.

NOTE: THE CAT WILL SELF AGITATE AND MAKE AMPLE SUDS. NEVER MIND THE NOISES THAT COME FROM THE TOILET, THE CAT IS ACTUALLY ENJOYING THIS.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can. Quickly lift the seat and lid.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely, The Dawg

At a nursing home a group of Seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. "Yes, I know," said another. "My
cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee." "I couldn't even punch out
the card at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!" "I can't turn my head because the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several
nodded weakly in agreement. "My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he
slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully ...."and thank God we can all still drive."

If you like gambling, the worst thing you can do is
bring your spouse with you to the casino.

If you lose, they get mad.

If you win, they want half!

Lee.....I want to know where you can find one that only wants half....the one I got wants it all.

And it's a damn good thing I'm the only one with the combo and keys to the gun safe. Otherwise she may do more than just get mad when I lose. :rolleyes:

Ralph,
I feel your pain! LOL

Whats her's is her's, and what is mine is her's too! LOL
As long as she doesn't take my beer money!

Mine will leave me beer money because she drinks beer too. I keep the beer fridge stocked and she drinks it all.